THE RESILIENT HUB PODCAST · SEASON 11, EPISODE 1
SHOW NOTES
I want to ask you something that takes a bit of courage to answer honestly.
When your child is anxious — when the stomachaches appear on Monday mornings, when the worries multiply overnight, when the school gate becomes a battleground — where do you look for the reason?
Most of us look outward. School. Friends. Screens. The state of the world.
But sometimes — and I say this with every ounce of compassion I have — sometimes the thing that is making a child anxious is closer to home than that. Sometimes it is in the air of the house itself. In the quality of a Sunday evening silence. In the tightness of a parent's shoulders at breakfast.
Anxiety is one of the most contagious things there is. It moves through families like weather. And most of the time the parent passing it on has absolutely no idea it is happening.
This episode is for every parent who has ever sat across from me and said — with tears in their eyes and shock in their voice — I think this is me. I think I gave this to them.
It happens more than you know. And it is never too late to do something about it.
Claire came to us because her daughter Ellie — nine years old, bright, imaginative, funny — had started refusing to go to school. Stomachaches on Monday mornings. Tears at the school gate. A growing list of worries that seemed to multiply overnight.
Claire had done everything right. She had listened, validated, spoken to the teacher, tried the breathing exercises. She loved Ellie with everything she had and she was exhausted and frightened and utterly at a loss.
When I asked her how she felt on Monday mornings, she laughed — a short, surprised laugh. Awful, she said. She had hated Mondays her whole life. And when Ellie came down for breakfast, she found her mum already tense, already quiet, already in her head.
That oh moment — the sound of something clicking into place — is where this episode begins.
This is not an episode about blame. It is an episode about what the science tells us about how anxiety travels through families without a word being spoken, why a parent's unexamined anxiety is one of the strongest predictors of childhood anxiety there is, and — most importantly — what happens when a parent decides to do something about it. Not just for themselves. For the child they love.
00:00 — Intro: Sometimes the thing making a child anxious is us
02:00 — Claire and Ellie's Story, Part One — the oh moment
07:00 — The Research: Co-regulation, anxious parenting, and intergenerational transmission
13:00 — Top Tips: What to do when you recognise yourself in your child's struggle
16:00 — Claire and Ellie's Story, Part Two — she actually noticed
20:00 — The Bigger Picture: You are not the reason they are struggling — you are the reason they will be okay
22:00 — The Close
24:00 — Outro and resources
Right Brain to Right Brain Communication — Allan Schore Research by neurobiologist Allan Schore shows that in the early years of life a child's nervous system literally co-regulates with their parent's. The parent's calm is the child's calm. The parent's anxiety is the child's anxiety. This attunement is so finely calibrated that a child can detect a shift in their parent's emotional state before that parent has said a single word or changed a single behaviour. And it does not stop at babyhood. It continues throughout childhood and adolescence. It is always happening. ?? Schore, A. — The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy (W.W. Norton, 2012)
Polyvagal Theory — Stephen Porges Our nervous systems are constantly reading cues of safety and danger in the environment. For young children, the most powerful cue in the environment is not a sound or a situation — it is the nervous system of their primary caregiver. A regulated parent regulates the room. An anxious parent activates it. ?? Porges, S. — The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory (W.W. Norton, 2017)
Parental Anxiety and Childhood Anxiety — Professor Lynne Murray Research by Professor Lynne Murray at the University of Reading shows that parental anxiety is one of the strongest predictors of childhood anxiety. Not because anxious parents are bad parents — they are often extraordinarily attentive and loving. But anxiety changes behaviour in ways that can unintentionally communicate danger to a child. Over-reassurance signals the worry was real. Over-protection deprives a child of the experience of coping. Modelled avoidance teaches avoidance. None of it is conscious. All of it can be changed. ?? Murray, L. — The Psychology of Babies (Robinson, 2014)
Intergenerational Transmission — Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell Siegel and Hartzell's landmark research found that it is not what happened to us in our childhoods that determines how we parent. It is whether we have made sense of what happened to us. Parents who had difficult childhoods but had processed those experiences — who had developed what Siegel calls a coherent narrative about their own lives — parented just as securely as parents who had easy childhoods. Doing your own work is not just good for you. It is one of the most powerful things you can do for your child. ?? Siegel, D. and Hartzell, M. — Parenting from the Inside Out (Scribe, 2004)
Intergenerational Trauma — Mark Wolynn Wolynn's work on intergenerational trauma shows how unprocessed experiences are passed down through families — not through DNA alone but through behaviour, atmosphere, and the emotional language of the home. His central message: the greatest gift you can give your child is to heal yourself. ?? Wolynn, M. — It Didn't Start With You (Penguin, 2016)
Get curious, not guilty Guilt is a closed door. Curiosity is an open one. If you recognise that your own anxiety is showing up in your child, the question is not what is wrong with me — it is what happened to me, and how has it shaped the way I move through the world? That question is worth sitting with. And ideally worth exploring with support.
Regulate yourself first — always You cannot co-regulate a child from a dysregulated state. Before you try to calm your child, attend to yourself. Breathe. Ground. Notice your own body. This is not selfish. It is the most effective thing you can do. You cannot pour from an empty cup and you cannot offer a nervous system that you haven't first settled yourself.
Watch your reassurance Research consistently shows that excessive reassurance actually increases anxiety over time. It tells the child's nervous system that the threat was real enough to need that much reassurance. Instead of reassuring, try validating and then gently encouraging. "I can see you're worried. Worry is really uncomfortable. And I believe you can handle this."
Do your own work Not because you are broken. Because you are human. And humans carry things. Getting support — whether that is therapy, coaching, or simply a space to explore your own story — is not a luxury. For a parent whose own wounds are showing up in their child, it is part of the treatment.
Tell your child you are working on it too Age appropriately, be honest. "I know I get anxious sometimes and I'm getting some help with that." This normalises help-seeking, reduces the child's sense that they are the problem, and shows them that adults can be self-aware and choose to do something about their struggles. That is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
Schore, A. — The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy | W.W. Norton (2012)
Siegel, D. and Hartzell, M. — Parenting from the Inside Out | Scribe (2004)
Siegel, D. — The Developing Mind | Guilford Press
Murray, L. — The Psychology of Babies | Robinson (2014)
Wolynn, M. — It Didn't Start With You | Penguin (2016)
Porges, S. — The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory | W.W. Norton (2017)
van der Kolk, B. — The Body Keeps the Score | Penguin (2014)
YoungMinds — YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People
Anxiety UK — Home new - Anxiety UK
Anna Freud Centre — Mental Health Charity
Claire and Ellie are fictionalised composites created to protect client confidentiality while honouring the truth of the work. They are not one specific family — but they represent many real ones. If you see yourself in Claire, that is intentional. You are not alone. And the fact that you are listening, asking the questions, and willing to look — that already makes you the parent your child needs.
We would love to hear from you.
YouTube Link: https://youtu.be/fx3YADwYK04
Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/episode/7IDUeoeNwUHslPSUCBT2DN?si=QiaDAruuQoeiKxxwrN8jqA
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The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Topics: anxiety, resilience, emotional regulation, parenting, school wellbeing, bullying, stress management, communication
