THE RESILIENT HUB PODCAST · SEASON 11, EPISODE 2
SHOW NOTES
I want to ask you something.
When you were a child — when you were scared, or sad, or overwhelmed, or angry — what happened?
Not what should have happened. What actually happened.
For some of you, someone came. Someone sat with you and named what you were feeling and made it smaller by being present with it. But for a lot of people — more than we talk about — nobody came. Or somebody came but they fixed and redirected and told you to cheer up or calm down or stop being so sensitive. Or the feeling was met with discomfort, or impatience, or silence. Not because nobody loved you. But because the adults around you hadn't been given the words either.
And so you grew up. And you became a parent. And you looked at this child in front of you — scared or sad or overwhelmed or angry — and you wanted, more than anything, to do it differently. To give them what you didn't have.
And sometimes you didn't know how. Because you had never been shown.
Today's episode is for you.
David came to us because his son Marcus — twelve years old, football-mad, usually the loudest person in any room — had gone quiet. Withdrawn. Flat. Spending hours in his room. Saying, when asked what was wrong: nothing. I'm fine.
David was a man who loved his son deeply and had absolutely no idea what to do. He sat across from me and said: I'm not really good at this sort of thing. Talking about feelings and that.
When I asked him what he did with difficult feelings as a twelve year old, he didn't hesitate. Kicked a ball. Went to his room. Got on with it.
And then he said something I have never forgotten: I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time. How am I supposed to help him know what he's feeling?
This episode is about that question. About what the science tells us happens when children grow up in homes where emotional language simply isn't spoken. About alexithymia — no words for feelings — and how it travels through generations. And about the remarkable research that shows emotional literacy can be learned at any age. That the brain does not stop being able to form new pathways. That it is never too late to find the words.
This one is for every parent who grew up in a get-on-with-it home and is trying, imperfectly and humanly, to do something different.
00:00 — Intro: The words we were never given
02:00 — David and Marcus's Story, Part One — I don't know what I'm feeling
07:00 — The Research: Alexithymia, emotional socialisation, and the neuroscience of change
13:00 — Top Tips: Learning the emotional language you were never taught
16:00 — David and Marcus's Story, Part Two — gutting 20:00 — The Bigger Picture: Breaking the chain, one named feeling at a time
22:00 — The Close: Beginnings are everything
24:00 — Outro and resources
Alexithymia — No Words For Feelings Alexithymia — from the Greek, meaning no words for feelings — describes the experience of knowing something feels bad but being unable to identify what the feeling is. Of having an emotion in the body without being able to label it, locate it, or talk about it. Research consistently shows that children who grow up in low emotional expressivity households — where feelings are not named, discussed, or validated — are significantly more likely to develop alexithymic tendencies. It is not a diagnosis. It is a spectrum. And many of us sit somewhere on it without knowing.
?? Professor Mark Taylor — Alexithymia research | University of Toronto
Emotional Socialisation Research by Joseph Ciarrochi and colleagues shows that children learn how to relate to their emotions primarily from watching the adults around them. When a parent dismisses their own emotions — pushing through, getting on with it, not naming what is happening internally — children learn that emotions are things to be managed and suppressed, not felt and expressed. You cannot teach what you were never given. But you can learn it. At any age.
?? Ciarrochi, J. — research on emotional socialisation and childhood wellbeing
Neuroplasticity and Emotional Literacy Daniel Siegel's work on mindsight — the ability to observe and understand your own mental processes — shows that emotional literacy is a skill that can be learned at any age. The brain does not stop being able to form new pathways. A parent who has spent their whole life getting on with it can learn, with the right support, to identify, name, and work with their emotions. And when a parent learns emotional literacy alongside their child, the relational impact is profound. The child sees that it is possible to learn. They see that asking for help is what adults do when they don't know something. They feel less alone.
?? Siegel, D. — Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation (Bantam Books, 2010)
Earned Security — Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell Siegel and Hartzell's research introduced the concept of earned security — the process by which adults who did not experience secure attachment in childhood can develop the internal resources of securely attached people through reflective work. You do not have to have had the words to give your child the words. You just have to be willing to find them. Together.
?? Siegel, D. and Hartzell, M. — Parenting from the Inside Out (Scribe, 2004)
Emotion Coaching vs Emotion Dismissing — John Gottman Gottman identified five types of parenting responses to children's emotions. At one end the emotion-dismissing parent — not out of cruelty but because that is all they were ever shown. At the other the emotion-coaching parent — the one who stops, names, validates, and helps the child problem-solve from a place of feeling understood. The distance between those two is not talent or personality. It is awareness and practice. Which means it is available to everyone.
?? Gottman, J. — Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (Simon & Schuster, 1997)
Intergenerational Transmission — Mark Wolynn Wolynn's research on how unprocessed experiences travel through families shows that the patterns we carry are rarely just ours. They have roots. And when we get curious about those roots — when we make sense of our own story — we break a chain that may have been running for generations.
?? Wolynn, M. — It Didn't Start With You (Penguin, 2016)
Co-Regulation — Allan Schore A child's nervous system co-regulates with their parent's throughout childhood and adolescence. When a parent learns to identify and regulate their own emotions, that regulation becomes available to the child — not just through conversation, but through the quality of presence, atmosphere, and attunement in the home.
?? Schore, A. — The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy (W.W. Norton, 2012)
Start with yourself, not your child Before you can help your child name their feelings, begin noticing your own. At the end of each day ask yourself three questions: what did I feel today? Where did I feel it in my body? What was happening when I felt it? This is not therapy — it is practice. It builds the muscle.
Use a feelings vocabulary — literally There are feelings wheels and feelings charts designed for children that are just as useful for adults who didn't get this early. Print one out. Put it on the fridge. Use it yourself. I think I'm feeling frustrated is a complete sentence. It doesn't have to be profound. It just has to be honest.
Name your own feelings out loud in front of your child Not to burden them. Not to overshare. But to model. I'm feeling a bit anxious about that meeting today. I noticed I was irritable this morning and I think I was tired. When a child hears a parent name their own feeling — calmly, simply, without drama — they learn that feelings are normal, nameable things. That is a profound lesson.
Repair the dismissals You will get it wrong. You will say calm down or you'll be fine when what was needed was something else. When you notice — even hours later — go back. I said calm down earlier and I don't think that helped. What were you actually feeling? That repair is worth more than getting it right the first time.
Do it together Be honest with your child — age appropriately — that you are learning this too. I didn't really grow up talking about feelings but I want us to get better at it together. That honesty changes everything. You are no longer the expert dispensing wisdom from above. You are two people figuring something out side by side. And that is the most powerful position there is.
Siegel, D. — Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation | Bantam Books (2010)
Siegel, D. and Hartzell, M. — Parenting from the Inside Out | Scribe (2004)
Siegel, D. and Bryson, T.P. — The Whole-Brain Child | Bantam Books
Gottman, J. — Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child | Simon & Schuster (1997)
Wolynn, M. — It Didn't Start With You | Penguin (2016)
Schore, A. — The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy | W.W. Norton (2012)
van der Kolk, B. — The Body Keeps the Score | Penguin (2014)
YoungMinds — YoungMinds | Mental Health Charity For Children And Young People
Anna Freud Centre — Mental Health Charity
Anxiety UK — Home new - Anxiety UK
The Feelings Wheel A simple, visual tool for identifying and naming emotions — used by therapists, coaches, and increasingly by parents at home. A quick internet search for feelings wheel will bring up several free printable versions. Stick it on the fridge. Use it yourself first. Then use it with your child.
David and Marcus are fictionalised composites created to protect client confidentiality while honouring the truth of the work. They are not one specific family — but they represent many real ones. If you see yourself in David — if you have ever sat across from your child and not known what to say — this episode is for you. You always had it in you. You just needed the words.
We would love to hear from you.
YouTube Link: https://youtu.be/B4b5Y62PVSM
Spotify Link: https://open.spotify.com/episode/45jWh3hlzRO0LJMh1Lbo1o?si=gbcXrnZCSU-xr37TZJfN-g
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The Resilient Kid Podcast is produced by Chantelle Venter at maddatu.com on behalf of The Resilient People, trading as The Resilient Kid, The Resilient Teen and The Resilient School.
Topics: anxiety, resilience, emotional regulation, parenting, school wellbeing, mental health, education, careers
